On the drive home - or at least to the hotel in Roanoke Rapids, it started to hit me - that slight knot in my gut. I couldn't put my finger on it right away, but after driving another hour, and singing along to a few more songs on the 80's XM station (specifically Cyndi Lauper and Belinda Carlisle) contributing to my nostalgia, I realized I miss my friends (It didn't help that we drove through a tornado, either). Now, you may wonder why I say it that way - and I will explain. I love all my friends, but I realized on the way to North Myrtle Beach that subconsciously, I assume everyone else freezes in time after I stop interacting with them on a daily or weekly basis, and nothing changes - with the exception of the exciting things I happen to do afterwards. This is obviously foolish and short-sighted of me, but I imagine it is a protective mechanism I've developed some time ago after moving a few times as a kid.
Anyway, this weekend was wrapped up in so many emotions I cannot begin to summarize everything it brought on for me. As with most events like this, the time was too short, and there was much left unsaid by me to those I wanted to reconnect with - I wanted it to feel "like old times," but we've gotten older - most of us have gotten married, moved, changed careers, had kids, and are living in different states.
I think I've spent too much of my life trying not to feel anything that I am fighting regret and guilt for omissions - times when I could have done more, said more, or just been there for my friends... I spoke with an older gentlemen after the reception who told me how much he enjoyed knowing me and Katie, and that most of his friends were either dead or suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's... He said, "At my age, this might be the last time I see you." It was then that I was reminded yet again that though God leads us in different directions, we are all capable of loving regardless of geography and all that stuff that we allow to distract us - and time waits for no one.
As I move into new phases of my life and continue to make new, close friends, I am adding a priority - to hold onto my relationships as tightly as I can no matter what.
I wrote a song a loooong time ago that had this line in it: "And if I never know you, let me feel the lack." I had no idea what I meant by that when I wrote it - it just sounded cool, but I think it is appropriate to this situation.
With that said, I love all of my friends and I always will, no matter what distance or time finds itself between us. Also, don't hate on Cyndi or Belinda.
