It's either late or early depending on how you look at it. I should be asleep, but I am not. I am tired, but my mind and heart are running a marathon right now. I think sometimes writing things down gets them out of that cycle and onto a more permanent format so I am going to do that right now. Maybe that's obvious.
I have something to say that is simultaneously simple and intricate - my heart burns for what God has called me to do, for who He has called me to love, and for what He has entrusted to me.
When I was 8 years old, my grandfather gave me his old Gibson acoustic to learn to play on. It was (and is) a well worn, unforgiving but pleasant instrument in that it never gave me a single note without hard work and sometimes pain, but when I finally earned one, it was a beautiful sound. He was wise to let me begin on it. I knew from the first time I plucked one of those notes that there was something about what I was beginning that was going to be bigger than just playing music. I didn't know what that was at the time, and I only know a little bit more of it now, and that excites me.
Fast-forward to the age of 15. My mom sang on the worship team and I don't remember exactly how it happened, but the worship leader took a chance on letting me join the worship team on electric guitar. His exact words were, "Don't make me regret this" with a hint of humor and a healthy dose of "seriously." It was a church that was heavily influenced by the Jesus Movement of the 70s with worship songs that reflected a simplicity, authenticity, and depth of devotion I fell in love with, and those early years of learning to play, lead, and sing were a blessing beyond description.
One of the things I loved about that church was that they believe God's Spirit and gifts were still active, and one night I had shown up at a prayer meeting with a guitar (without being asked to but with the assumption that prayer and worship go together quite well so why not?) I suppose someone agreed (or maybe felt pity for me) because before too long, I was playing along with Marsha Dixon on a piano as people were praying, worshipping and enjoying God's presence. There came a time that things quieted down and Bob Dixon, the man who was leading the evening, had a word for me. He said that my life is a secret song from God, and that there was a time that it would no longer be a secret and that song would flow out and be heard. After he spoke this, I kept playing and praying and wondering what that all meant, actually. No one else spoke, sang, coughed, sneezed; you get the picture... I felt everyone's eyes (though in truth they were probably all closed) as I waited for some kind of genius, deep, profound, and poetically inspiring words to pour forth from my lips, but all I ended up with was silence and a little bit of sheepishness. Then, more silence. Those devastatingly beautiful words never came that night. I went home pondering all that had happened, feeling like somewhat of a failure, but also sensing there might be more to what I had experienced than I could understand at the time.
Since that night, I have never forgotten that word, and through the years it has been used to shape me (I believe) and remind me and call me to what God has for me. Leading worship is my very favorite thing to do as a Christian. I love what God does when I worship Him, I love seeing His Spirit move on His church when we worship, and I absolutely love experiencing God's presence. If you've never experienced it, well, you need to. Anyway, there is a lot more to this story, but this is the thing I want to get across right now.
I am now in a Vineyard church that absolutely adores Jesus. The really cool part is that I get to lead them most weekends in worship for three or four hours a week. I actually get to do this as my job (a real job, playing and singing)! I spend the week praying, going over what I sense God is leading us into and wants to hear from us as we worship, and working with an amazing team of people who I get to lead alongside and care for. The thing is, my mind and heart often get so full of what God has for me and the church that I want to share it all, but, like that night about more years ago than I would like to admit, I often open my mouth to speak silence. I'm a quiet person and I have been comfortable with that all of my life, but I feel like there is a season of sound fast approaching. Bit by bit, I hear the song God has written on my heart and on my life finding a melody, a harmony, a chord structure, and a voice. I don't know how it's going to all come out in the end, but I am excited - and maybe that's what this is all about. Maybe that is why I am typing this to who knows how many strangers, friends, family members, nay-sayers, atheists, addicts, idolaters, worshippers, leaders, followers, loners, supporters, encouragers... human beings, when I should be sleeping.
I would be remiss not to mention that I often get the privilege of leading worship with my beautiful and gifted wife. It astounds me at the things God has done in our marriage and lives as we've followed Jesus and lead in worship together.
I can tell you that I am either a lunatic for devoting my life to this, or a sinner saved by Grace and loved by a wonderful Heavenly Father who wants my life to sing His praises. Regardless, that's what I am going to do, and I hope you find a bit of encouragement and join me sometime.
