Where is Your Sting?

I returned from a truly amazing two-week vacation on Monday, and immediately developed a severe allergic reaction to a lovely pollen bloom and acquired the stomach bug. I am thankful that I didn't get either of those while I was actually on vacation. During the time my wife and I were gone, we suffered the loss of a friend who was like family to my wife that she had just seen days before our trip. It was an odd experience to be at the "Happiest Place on Earth" and hear of his passing, but I won't go into that for now. Suffering. Sickness. Death. All part of life, right?

Anyway, since returning I have learned that more friends have lost friends and in-laws have lost family members in the past few days and it reminded me of something I wrote down in my journal after my Aunt Carole died unexpectedly in 2015. I have not shared it before, but maybe it's time. I don't know. Here goes  - but first a caution that it contains some graphic literary content:

------------------------

Death won't win, but it blackens my eye
        from time
                       to time
Accumulating blows - beating heart
beaten by hearts no longer beating
        from time
                       to time
Let my bruises heal before the next
delivery, will ya?
Death, I can't wait to see your kicked in teeth,
your brains on the street,
your hollow eyes and pale withered skin.
                     Death, you lose.

------------------------

Numbers

I remember growing up hearing my parents and grandparents talk about where they were and what they were doing when JFK was assassinated. My grandparents would talk about Pearl Harbor. They still recalled the details of those days. I always had a strange curiosity about whether there would be an event like that for my generation. I didn't want an event like that - I just wondered sometimes. We all know the answer now.

I was completely oblivious to what happened until about 11 that morning. I was in college in VA and had an exam that morning at 9:30. I drove a car that didn't have a working radio, so the 45 minute trip to campus consisted of me humming to myself. When I got to campus, I parked, locked the doors and immediately realized I had locked my keys inside. I didn't want to be late for my Ethics exam, so I decided to call campus police afterward.

I got to the room and the air was thick with despair. No one was speaking. No one was talking. No one was really even looking up from their desks. The professor walked in and a student said, “Did you hear what happened?” The professor responded, “Yes. It is terrible.” I assumed a student had died or something tragic happened on campus. I took my exam, answering questions about hedons and dolors - measurements of happiness and pain - unaware of the reason for that question and didn’t know anything happened until the police officer who unlocked my car asked, “Did you hear the Twin Towers were hit?”

A sudden rush of adrenaline and sadness shot through my entire body.

In addition to finishing school, I was a firefighter and EMT at the time and whenever I heard about an emergency, a tragedy, an accident - my immediate response was to do something; to drop everything and help (it still is, actually). I had another exam that day and as badly as I wanted to drive to the firehouse and find out what we could do I realized it would have to wait a few more hours. Life goes on, right? I slowly walked to the student union. The radio was on but there were no TVs in the room. I still didn’t quite grasp what happened and the radio reports made me think all of Manhattan had been destroyed. I wondered if it was some sort of cruel Orwellian joke.

Outside I noticed the strange absence of airplanes in the sky. It was completely silent, save the quiet hum of cars, an occasional bird song, and footsteps on pavement. No one spoke. No one smiled. A Muslim woman walked by hurriedly with a look of unmistakeable shame and dread. I wanted to smile at her but I couldn’t. Not because she was Muslim, but because any happiness or friendliness had been driven out and replaced by a deep, sad pain. It felt wrong to be happy or smile. It didn’t make a difference because her downward gaze seemed unbreakable. I don’t really recall what happened later that day. I know I went to the firehouse after my exams and it is all a blur from there. I was placed on a list of people who could be called on to go to the Pentagon (we were about two hours away) for search and rescue. About a day later I got notice that the status had been changed to body recovery and we would not be needed. I can’t explain the devastation that came with that news.

That was the first time I felt the nation groan. It was like we all felt the same thing. There was a clarity to what was important on a larger scale. There was a feeling of unity that I had never experienced before. I remember it was almost a spiritual conviction when I would be tempted to get angry at someone or be judgmental - I would think “With what we’ve all been through now - I need to cut that guy a break.”

I remember that for months afterwards people went out of their way to show me courtesy and gratitude to me anytime I was in uniform. People would tell me to get in front of them in line. I recall a specific instance feeling very awkward when an elderly lady insisted I do this at the grocery store. Waitstaff would come out and tell me the meal was “on the house.” Strangers would shake my hand and thank me. It felt wrong, honestly, although I appreciated the gestures.  I hadn’t actually done anything. I now realize they were doing what they could to help. They couldn’t go say thanks to the responders who died and countless others who responded after, but they could thank me. They could pay for my meals. They could give me their place in line.

There is something else about that day that I still don’t understand but will try to do my best to explain. I didn’t know a single firefighter who died that day but it literally felt like I lost 343 family members. I suppose it is the commonality of what we did and the fact that it could have happened to any of us, and it could have been FDNY sending aid and prayers our way. There is a saying that “fire gets in your blood,” and I can say that 11 years after being out of it - that is a true statement.

So, what does this have to do with anything aside from me writing this down so I don’t forget it (and so it quits banging around in my brain and heart)? I don’t know. Maybe there isn’t any other reason. 

I do wish we would remember the way we behaved those following months, though. We were better to each other then.

Depth in Simplicity

Worship is such a unique gift; both simple and deeply profound. Tonight as I was preparing to lead worship tomorrow, it was as if I confessed my sins, experienced God's forgiveness, pressed into His love and was surrounded by His presence and comfort all in the course of a few lines of a song. It is as if not only are the words I sing communicating, but everything in my being is all working together to praise God. The chords I strum, the melody lines I sing and play, the dynamics and the pauses are all flowing into one river. My heart is calmed, my thoughts turn away from everything else and my focus is laser sharp on the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It is in these times that all those other voices, all my selfish concerns and worries, all the "what ifs" and second guesses fall apart and God's Truth and Love is all that is left.

I Should Be Sleeping

It's either late or early depending on how you look at it. I should be asleep, but I am not. I am tired, but my mind and heart are running a marathon right now. I think sometimes writing things down gets them out of that cycle and onto a more permanent format so I am going to do that right now. Maybe that's obvious.

I have something to say that is simultaneously simple and intricate - my heart burns for what God has called me to do, for who He has called me to love, and for what He has entrusted to me.

When I was 8 years old, my grandfather gave me his old Gibson acoustic to learn to play on. It was (and is) a well worn, unforgiving but pleasant instrument in that it never gave me a single note without hard work and sometimes pain, but when I finally earned one, it was a beautiful sound. He was wise to let me begin on it. I knew from the first time I plucked one of those notes that there was something about what I was beginning that was going to be bigger than just playing music. I didn't know what that was at the time, and I only know a little bit more of it now, and that excites me.

Fast-forward to the age of 15. My mom sang on the worship team and I don't remember exactly how it happened, but the worship leader took a chance on letting me join the worship team on electric guitar. His exact words were, "Don't make me regret this" with a hint of humor and a healthy dose of "seriously." It was a church that was heavily influenced by the Jesus Movement of the 70s with worship songs that reflected a simplicity, authenticity, and depth of devotion I fell in love with, and those early years of learning to play, lead, and sing were a blessing beyond description.

One of the things I loved about that church was that they believe God's Spirit and gifts were still active, and one night I had shown up at a prayer meeting with a guitar (without being asked to but with the assumption that prayer and worship go together quite well so why not?) I suppose someone agreed (or maybe felt pity for me) because before too long, I was playing along with Marsha Dixon on a piano as people were praying, worshipping and enjoying God's presence. There came a time that things quieted down and Bob Dixon, the man who was leading the evening, had a word for me. He said that my life is a secret song from God, and that there was a time that it would no longer be a secret and that song would flow out and be heard. After he spoke this, I kept playing and praying and wondering what that all meant, actually. No one else spoke, sang, coughed, sneezed; you get the picture... I felt everyone's eyes (though in truth they were probably all closed) as I waited for some kind of genius, deep, profound, and poetically inspiring words to pour forth from my lips, but all I ended up with was silence and a little bit of sheepishness. Then, more silence. Those devastatingly beautiful words never came that night. I went home pondering all that had happened, feeling like somewhat of a failure, but also sensing there might be more to what I had experienced than I could understand at the time.

Since that night, I have never forgotten that word, and through the years it has been used to shape me (I believe) and remind me and call me to what God has for me. Leading worship is my very favorite thing to do as a Christian. I love what God does when I worship Him, I love seeing His Spirit move on His church when we worship, and I absolutely love experiencing God's presence. If you've never experienced it, well, you need to. Anyway, there is a lot more to this story, but this is the thing I want to get across right now.

I am now in a Vineyard church that absolutely adores Jesus. The really cool part is that I get to lead them most weekends in worship for three or four hours a week. I actually get to do this as my job (a real job, playing and singing)! I spend the week praying, going over what I sense God is leading us into and wants to hear from us as we worship, and working with an amazing team of people who I get to lead alongside and care for. The thing is, my mind and heart often get so full of what God has for me and the church that I want to share it all, but, like that night about more years ago than I would like to admit, I often open my mouth to speak silence. I'm a quiet person and I have been comfortable with that all of my life, but I feel like there is a season of sound fast approaching. Bit by bit, I hear the song God has written on my heart and on my life finding a melody, a harmony, a chord structure, and a voice. I don't know how it's going to all come out in the end, but I am excited - and maybe that's what this is all about. Maybe that is why I am typing this to who knows how many strangers, friends, family members, nay-sayers, atheists, addicts, idolaters, worshippers, leaders, followers, loners, supporters, encouragers... human beings, when I should be sleeping.

I would be remiss not to mention that I often get the privilege of leading worship with my beautiful and gifted wife. It astounds me at the things God has done in our marriage and lives as we've followed Jesus and lead in worship together.

I can tell you that I am either a lunatic for devoting my life to this, or a sinner saved by Grace and loved by a wonderful Heavenly Father who wants my life to sing His praises. Regardless, that's what I am going to do, and I hope you find a bit of encouragement and join me sometime.

What is Love?

Quick heart check, fellow American Christians. I just did a search for some inspiration as I wrap up a recap video for my church, and at the front end of the first video I found, I heard the phrase "I am head over heels in love with my church." It is a good thing to love the Church - Jesus loves the Church and we are even commanded as men to love our wives "as Christ loves the Church," so that must be pretty powerful. Now, I don't really need to mention names but I have seen a lot of things with this "I love my church" phrase on them - t-shirts, mugs, logos, and the list goes on. I assume these churches want people to come to their services and meet Jesus, which is a good thing.

Here's the rub. Do you (do I) love your (my) local church more than you (I) love Jesus? Have we placed our respective churches above God in priority? Do our churches feel more like social clubs or entertainment venues than the hands and feet of Jesus? It's easy to do; when the reason for what you do becomes assumed, it's not so far away from becoming forgotten or ignored. Programs, the excitement of serving as a community and seeing God work in our communities are all good things, but when it becomes primary to God, Himself, there is a problem. I don't know the heart of the person who made the statement in the video, the church's doctrine, or what happens there on a weekly basis so I am not claiming this person has his priorities messed up - the video was simply a catalyst.

So, please consider the question. If you aren't sure of the answer, or the answer is "yes" I am sure you are not alone because there are many days when, if I am honest with myself, have to answer "yes" to the question. It is at that moment that I have the  opportunity to repent, and God (whose love is unconditional and eternal) picks me up, forgives me, cleans me off, and I start to follow Him with the right perspective again.

I will close with this, and I am in the same boat, folks - bringing people to church is not the only way to share the Gospel. It starts with loving people the way God loves you (and them). In fact, believe it or not, some people share their faith when they are in places nowhere near a church (okay, that was a bit sarcastic - I apologize). My point is that we can't be a one-trick pony by relying solely on our pastors to do the work when it comes to sharing the Gospel, and we (myself most certainly included) need to constantly make sure our priorities are right and true.

All of This

Life feels out of control most of the time - at least to me. I try to find ways to fool myself into believing I am in control of at least most of it, but that only lasts for a while. Sometimes I try to ignore the fact that I really am not in control of my life (not to be confused with my behavior, actions, thoughts or feelings), but that does not last long at all.

No matter what, I always come back to the truth that a loving Heavenly Father who is waiting for me to come rest in His arms and let Him be in complete control.

In the hustle and bustle of American culture, rest is both undervalued (at times even scorned as laziness) and in great lack. I must admit, I have made myself a victim of this American restlessness. While I can focus on the same three seconds of video for hours at a time, I don't like not having something to do. I get antsy; start to feel lazy and bored; look for something to do - even if I've done the same thing (a favorite is mindlessly looking at my phone) ten times in 30 seconds. I have always thought of this as a result of a strong work ethic and a drive to be successful, productive and an effective contributor to society. And the heart of the issue is that all too often, I tie my worth as a human being to all of those things.

What I have learned is that while a good, strong work ethic is important - restlessness is not a symptom. It is actually a symptom of my desire to control my life, my world and my experiences. I feel like I need to make things happen, or they'll never happen. The earth will stop spinning and lives will be ruined.

What God has reminded me in His still small voice tonight is that I have never been and will never be in control. I am His child and He's paid all the bills, put all the laundry where it belongs, edited all of the videos, written and sung all the songs, posted all the blogs, and loved all of my friends and family perfectly before I had a chance to second-guess myself for the very first time.

There is a line in a song by a band I admire and enjoy that says

"I have a hard time remembering all the things I'm supposed to remember, and a hard time forgetting all the things I'm supposed to forget."

Too many times, I've been that man. Remembering and forgetting in reverse order. Tonight, God reminded me in a whisper that He is in control and I can rest in the finished work of the Cross and the fact that He will always help me remember.

Simple

Yesterday morning at staff meeting, we were praying over requests that had been submitted last Sunday during the weekend services. Every Tuesday, the requests are divided among each staff member, and we take turns praying aloud for each and every request. It is a refreshing experience to start a meeting with a time of worship and prayer. It forces me to focus on what is truly important and to surrender all of the complications I usually end up creating from the often simple things and situations in my life.

It is especially humbling to pray for other people and hear others pray with a depth of sincerity that is sometimes difficult to grasp. I have realized over the past couple of months just how simple my life and my "problems" are - in large part because of these staff meetings and the examples of humility and care I see from the people there. 

It is quite the jarring experience to suddenly realize that the inconvenience of having to wait in line that morning at Starbucks an extra five minutes is not the mountain I created it to be when I pray for people with debilitating and life-threatening diseases and illnesses; or for those who are lost and wandering aimlessly for a guide, a light, a beacon of hope.

And then there are the reminders of tough lessons learned, friends and loved ones lost, and scar tissue revealed in the light of the needs of others that seem to echo through my life. As I prayed aloud for someone who has leukemia, in my thoughts I was suddenly sitting in the driver's seat of Engine 1 next to Jason Jackson, pulling out of the station to respond to a fire. I could hear his words and my reply as he talked about being in remission from leukemia and finally being allowed to run fire calls again. I recalled standing next to him in a field filled with smoke so thick, you couldn't breathe from 54 round hay bales on fire, much less see the hay, and sticking it out with him until the smoke cleared and the field was transformed into a shallow pond. I recalled being in the ER a few months later after transporting a patient and learning that Jason was back in the hospital - several floors above where I stood. And I recalled driving Engine 1 one more time for Jason - this time as a part of his funeral procession. It is unfortunate that I could tell more stories than I'd like to count like the one about Jason, and I am sure every person reading this has just as many and some who have more.

In all this I realize the simple thing I have overcomplicated most in my life is love. How to love people the way Christ did on earth and does to this very second. How he loved Jason Jackson. How he loved and loves me. How he loves you. Simply and completely.

Scott Lane (black helmet), Jason (yellow helmet) and myself

Jason (on right) and me

Rebooting (Almost) Everything

Over the past few months, I have been focusing on improving my physical and spiritual health, time management, schedule, leadership and creativity.

It is going to take time and will not all be easy, but I have begun to use tools (some I've had collecting digital and actual dust for months and even years), and I am beginning to notice small differences.

I thought it might be helpful to some folks if I share what I am learning and some resources and practices I have begun utilizing and implementing.

Before I begin, I should admit that I am, at heart, a procrastinator and a perfectionist. My procrastination has withered significantly, but it still tugs on me from time to time. It's last known manifestation in all it's fury took place during my last week of college. . . My perfectionism is still pretty much alive and well, but I am doing my best to learn when to listen to it and when to pull the proverbial trigger and call a project "finished" or at least draft-worthy.

Spiritual Health:

I have begun to actually force myself to spend dedicated blocks of time (sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the evening and sometimes both) to read, study and pray. In addition, I started to actually think about the things I tell people I will pray for and about, and do it. It seems pretty simple, but sometimes it's the simple things that get overlooked or neglected. Right now, I am reading through 1 and 2 Samuel and a 30-day devotional through the books of John and Acts on my YouVersion bible app.

I have also been meeting with leaders in my church on a fairly regular basis, and I do my best to request and seriously consider feedback about the work I am doing, my leadership skills and shortcomings, and anything else that might be applicable to how my attitude, behavior and communication impacts others.

My viewpoint of my actions and methods has also been shifting from support to leadership over the last 18 months or so, and I am being given new opportunities to put that into practice again.

Physical Health:

About 60 days ago, my wife and I agreed to make a 90-day foray into the world of gluten-free foods. To be completely honest, I was not a huge fan of this (right now, gluten-free has a fad stigma and I don't seem to have any health issues related to gluten intolerance), but it has not been that difficult and my wife and I have seen some pretty encouraging results. I don't know the total of weight lost (it is somewhere around 20 pounds) because I don't like to pay attention to numbers, but I can wear shirts I had outgrown and my pants are becoming clownish. My wife has experienced improved health that might have been related to gluten-intolerance and she is disappearing before my very eyes.

The thing I have neglected is regular exercise, which is one of the long-term and permanent adjustments I will make to my lifestyle. It is easy to get distracted by work, planning, preparing and Candy Crush Saga, but I know I can make the change.

Time Management/Schedule/Leadership/Creativity:

I have gathered several books and am in the midst of reading two of them simultaneously. I finished Manage Your Day to Day: Build Your Routine, Find Your Focus & Sharpen Your Creative Mind (longest title ever, maybe), which is filled with short and to the point nuggets of wisdom and advice from some of today's most creative and successful people.

I am in the middle of reading Making Ideas Happen and  Spiritual Leadership: Moving People on to God's Agenda, which will most likely take the longest to complete but I have it on good authority that it is worth the time and effort.

I have also started to create lists, goals and a daily schedule using Evernote on my iMac and phone. I haven't begun to scratch the surface of what Evernote can do and it is already revolutionizing the way I organize, update and access information.

For file-sharing and cloud storage I have used Dropbox for a couple of years and just recently began using Copy. Both of these apps make storing and sending drafts and finals to clients quite easy and allows for collaboration and group viewing/feedback much more expediently than mailing files on physical data like DVDs, CDs and even thumb drives.

The other practices I have implemented are the avoidance of social media (as much as possible) during working hours and the cessation of using my phone to read and compose email. I have also done my best to put my phone out of arms' reach and to leave it in my pocket when spending time with my wife and/or friends.

I also have a bookmark folder full of creative resources specific to what I do that I can refer to whenever I need a jumpstart of inspiration, applicable knowledge, or professional development.

For those who may be interested, here is a list of some of those websites (specific to video/animation for the most part, but some are for creative practices, generally):

videocopilot.net
aetutsplus.com
churchmediadesign.tv
creationswap.com
99u.com
Behance.net
brainpickings.org
thenounproject.com
sundaymag.tv
creativebloq.com
37signals.com
sxc.hu
churchm.ag
motionscript.com
motionographer.com
vimeo.com
creativelive.com
aescripts.com
lynda.com
fontsquirrel.com
dafont.com

What resources and practices have you found helpful?

Striking an Odd Balance

Over the past week, I have been reading an excellent book a friend lent me about the process, reasoning and practices of a "New Media" designer. The book was written by a man named Hillman Curtis in 2002, and the beauty is that despite the huge leaps in technology since that time, the book is full of information that has not fallen victim to "planned obsolesence." I am still reading, but one thing I have taken away is the important role inspiration plays in the creative process. I have been seeking out inspiration everywhere I look, in everything I hear, and everywhere I go.

It is a beautiful experience, seeking inspiration.

In intervals (usually during renders or after staring at the same frame for an hour with no new ideas), I (with aspiration in my heart) view other works by talented and skilled video producers, graphic designers and motion designers... I read articles, research the old, new and up-and-coming of my field's trends and movements; I pray and wonder at how God, the Artist, created me and this impulse to participate in His work.

Then I get in the car and listen to the news and I am reminded of the fallen world we live in. Yes, I have become one of those I swore never to become. I never understood talk radio (radio is for music, right?), but right now my limited and sporadic drive time is the only opportunity I have to get some current events in (it just occurred to me how many of my friends long for limited and sporadic drive times). So, while listening to the news, I am faced with a high dose of reality, and reality does not seem so inspirational - at least not for creative purposes.

It is an odd balance - living in the midst of creativity and reality, and as hard as I try to separate the two, they, in this world, are interdependent. The two seem to have a symbiotic relationship.

I heard a story yesterday afternoon about a woman who was inspired to write a song after hearing a Gold Star father on a talk radio show discuss his son, who was killed in combat attempting to rescue his fellow soldier. As I listened to an interview with one of the songwriters and the father, it struck me that this is one of the most important uses of creativity; turning tragedy into hope, comfort, empathy and love.

It's been said that all of the best music comes from pain, and there is a truth to that. I'd like to believe the best art (music included) comes as a reaction to intensity of all sorts - emotional, experiential, spiritual. I suppose that means the news I hear as I drive around is inspirational, too - just as it was for the woman who wrote the song. I just have to hear it with different ears.

I researched Hillman Curtis after reading through the first section of his book because I wanted to know what he has been doing recently. I learned that last year, he died of colon cancer. The amazing thing is that after finding this out, the book had so much more to offer. I can't really explain why, but take my word for it.

What does all this mean? I don't know - but in the ebb and flow of urgency, my life is getting caught up in a pretty strong current right now.

What Do You Want to Do With Your Life?

This afternoon I was discussing a passage of scripture with my wife, and how it may relate to our current living/ministry/employment situation.  While listening to her read, I had a realization that something in my thought process about what God has planned for me (and anyone else who calls Him "Father") has been skewed.

There is a message I have heard preached, promoted and studied over the last few years that until recently I wasn't sure how I felt about (other than the fact that it hasn't ever sounded right).  The basis of the message is this:

1. God loves you.
2. God wants to do great things in and through you.
3. You have to "do your part" and work hard for this to happen, or else you will fail God and will not achieve your "God [given] potential" or the "greatness" He has in store for you.

It is not a complicated solution.  God does want to bless His children and use us for His good.  We were created to worship Him, and we have been commissioned to spread the message of His love and salvation to the ends of the Earth.  

Here's the first thing about why the above message is flawed; the entirety of our God-given potential must fit within the context of the Great Commission, and it must be an act of worship.  The second is that God's definition of "greatness" does not match our (often American dream-flavored "you can do anything if you can imagine it") definition.  The third is that God's love is unconditional, meaning there are no strings attached.

God has given us free will and He has given us grace, both of which play integral parts in our lives as believers.  We are able to choose whether or not to believe He loves us, sent His son to die and be resurrected as a sacrifice for our sins and to reconcile us to Him, and whether we want to follow Him or live our own lives apart from His influence.  In fact, we are free to deny His existence altogether.  That is free will.

Grace is most commonly defined as "unmerited [undeserved, unearned] favor."  This means that there is nothing we can do as God's children to either increase or decrease His love for us, or His desire to bless and provide for us.  This means that no matter how much we serve, how much we go to church, how much we sing, dance, write, preach, share, sin, repent, etc. we cannot change God's love for us.  He gives it unconditionally, and since He promises to forgive the sins of those He calls sons and daughters, those can't be held against us, either.

Now, don't hear me say grace is a "get out of jail free card" (see Romans 6:1-4), either.

So, here is the thing.  Over the past few weeks, I have been beating myself up about not doing enough to please God.  I secretly think to myself "I am a pretty big disappointment to God right now.  I'm not reading enough, praying enough or serving enough, and I keep sinning.  I have to be sure to do more of those good things tomorrow and less sinning.  Then God will be happy with me again and He will start blessing me again."

That is not how it works.  So for all of those who have struggled with living up to a standard no human can achieve under his or her own effort, remember this verse: 

Matthew 11:28-30 
²⁸ Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

My "Almost" Last Day

If you have read some of my previous posts, you know that in what feels like another life, I was a firefighter.  I have a love/hate relationship with that part of my past; a lot of good came from that time, and a lot of pain came from that time.

Sometimes the most mundane acts can trigger a memory, and suddenly I am right back in the midst of my past.  It used to paralyze me; I would lock up for about five minutes or so, not really engaging in what I had been doing at the time the memory hit.  Fortunately, that has subsided, and I have been able to take valuable lessons out of what I have experienced when I remember those things.  

I share this story because it is full of lessons for me, and I hope it contains a lesson or two* for you.  As for what those are, I might save that for another post and let you think about it for a while.
                        ___________________________________________________

Last night (8.21.12) as I was walking through a parking lot it was the warm night air that sent me back to a sunny day several years ago that, without wanting to sound dramatic, was almost the last day I was alive.

Occasionally, the fire department assisted the forestry department with "controlled burns," which took place when land needed to be cleared without hauling loads and loads of timber away.  Instead of hoses, we carried drip torches and shovels, and large bulldozers would create fire breaks and clearings to prevent the fire from spreading beyond the intended area.

One day, I joined a few other firefighters and a couple of forestry guys to burn trees that were in piles about 100'x100' and between 25' and 40' tall on about ten or 12 acres of land.  This was the largest controlled burn I had been involved with.  I don't recall the temperature, but it was hot and the sun was shining.  We normally wore jeans, boots and t-shirts to stay as protected, but as cool as we could.

After we lit the piles, we watched to make sure they were burning evenly and fully.  Fire sometimes creates it's own weather, and I watched as "tornados" of flame shot up and twirled around in the air, the wind picked up and frequently changed direction, and the sunlight became dull under a thickening blanket of white smoke.  I pulled my shirt over my nose every couple of minutes as the air became slightly acrid. 

The forestry department brought a 4-wheeler because of the size of the land we were burning, and after we all regrouped another firefighter decided to drive along the outside edge to check on the piles we could not see.  The rest of us waited for about ten minutes, and I began to worry that something may have gone wrong.  I began to walk around the outside perimeter of the land to check on the other firefighter.  As soon as I got to the end of the first pile, I decided I needed to get a better vantage point, so I walked through the fire break (dirt path) between the first and second piles toward the center of the property.  I very quickly realized that because of the heat and the smoke and the fact that no one could see me and I did not have a radio, this was a horrible idea.  I immediately and calmly began to return to the group.  Instead of going back to the outside of the property, however, I walked between two more piles in the direction of the group.  No one could see me, and no one knew exactly where I had gone.

After about ten or 20 seconds (I guess) of walking toward safety, the heat and smoke became unbearable and my reality instantly changed.  Walking through that heat had drawn every ounce of energy from my body, and I was thoroughly exhausted.  The first thought I had was "How in the world do I have absolutely no energy left?"

Then, a second thought locked in my mind; "I am too tired, this is too hot and I can't make it back.  I am going to lay down right here right now and just die."  I am not in any way exaggerating or dramatizing that.  As mind-boggling as it is, that thought was the only thing that made sense.  The heat was so intense that I did not care that I had about 20 more feet to walk to safety (I could actually hear the other firefighters' and forestry guys' voices), and I was ready - without any second thought - to lay down and die.  I cannot express more plainly or seriously that as strange as it seems, my desire to live was completely gone.  I stopped walking and began to bend my knees toward the ground.

As soon as I bent my right knee, I heard a new voice.  It was the firefighter I had been looking for, and it came from the area we both started out from.  That voice was like a shot of common sense and courage, and I stood back up and dragged myself up the hill those last 20 or so feet.  It was the most difficult walk I have ever made.  Every step felt like a mile, and the thirst I felt was the strongest I've experienced.

Everyone was there, safe and sound, myself included.  I did not tell anyone what had happened moments before, and this is the first time I've shared this experience with anyone.

It is my prayer that relating my experience might be used to encourage and inspire, and that those who read this will find their own lessons...







*I give all the glory to God for saving me that day, and He is at the center of every lesson that came from this experience.

Anti-Rant

"Venting," despite popular opinion, is never okay.  This fact is quite disappointing to me on a regular basis.  We all know the examples; traffic, arguments, injustice, no hot water for the shower, and the list goes on.

Honestly, when I began to write this post, I wanted to vent.  I wanted to tell everyone in an indirect way about how I feel I've been wronged.  I wanted to subtly point out the error in someone else's ways.  What I really wanted to do, though, is point at a speck in someone else's eye rather than acknowledging the plank in my own.  I was immediately convicted.  Instead of following through with typing out a scathing, satirical list of what I don't like about x, y and z, I did something completely unusual.  I prayed that I would stop being so selfish and God would enable me to constantly understand that none of what I do or experience is about me, but that it is about God's Kingdom and the lost who need to come through its gates.

The way God convicts me of sin at the outset of temptation amazes me.  It also encourages me because it is clear evidence of God's restoring work in my life.

If I think "life isn't fair" because I have to sit in traffic for three hours (not anymore since I left the DC area) or if I feel used, beat up or hurt by a friend, coworker or family member, God reminds me that there are people in underground churches across this world that would give anything to sit in traffic in the United States - while they are driving to church, which meets in a building everyone can find, the government knows about, and no one gets killed in.

Reminders

When things are going well it is too easy to forget about all the challenges I have experienced and the way God has been faithful to carry me through them.

My faith has been strengthened beyond my imagination over the past two years, but if I neglect that faith and fail to nurture it I am no better off than I was two years ago. When God removes distractions (which for me included my previous job, environment, and way of thinking and living), you can't help but put every ounce of trust in Him or deny His sovereignty. There is an investment that takes place when you truly rely on God for your daily bread. His word becomes that much more vibrant and real, almost three dimensional.

I do my very best to keep a healthy, humble perspective on where I am in my walk with Christ and how I relate with others. Lately, I have not done the best job of maintaining that perspective, and it has played out in several instances over the past couple of weeks. The subtlety of sin and pride is quite dangerous and costly. I need to remember God's faithfulness, trustworthiness and His promises to combat my selfishness, sometimes by the minute. Jesus' example - a completely blameless man being punished for my sin - should shake us all to the core. He is the only one who could have taken that on - not only because He is God's son, but because no other man in history would stay silent in that situation. No other man would have the fortitude to completely disregard their sense of injustice for the good of another. Jesus did that and much more than I will ever understand.

I often tell people I love my job, what I get to do and where I get to work and serve, but I rarely say why. Yes, it is because I have a passion for creative work, but it goes far deeper than that. What I do reminds me of an answered prayer that I began to pray years ago. "God, use me to reach those far from you."

My motivation to do everything I do is and must remain that of helping people see how God has changed my life radically for His good and glory - and to serve as a beacon of hope and a reminder to those far away from Him that God will never give up on reaching them. The fact that I am able to do that through creating videos and leading worship far outweighs any material reward. I pray that one day my life will serve as a reminder to someone that God is everything they need.

Social Media is Wierd

In recent months, I've come to realize how strange social media can be (or more accurately, how strange my life has become). For instance, I was browsing Facebook this morning, saw a picture of a friend, went to the friend's profile and it occurred to me that s/he is now either separated or divorced. I approve friend requests from people I barely spoke with when I (vaguely recall) knew them in "real life". Then I completely ignore their posts, etc. because I have no idea who they are.

I now feel the urge to wish a happy birthday to people I don't know personally - thanks to the convenience of typing two little words (with the most exciting bit of punctuation my little heart desires added at the end to impart of sense of heartfelt warmth the cold depths of the Internet so often sucks away from communication) into a box on the right hand corner of my screen.

I wake up and instantly look at my phone to browse TweetDeck for nuggets of excitement - usually lacking - and then realize with deep-seated conviction that I haven't read my "analog" bible in weeks. I read YouVersion's awesome bible app, but there is something about reading God's word in something bound in leather that makes a difference for me.

Social Media (wow, I just capitalized it) has it's place in society and is a very useful method of communication, but I feel it is in danger of one day becoming an almost laughable platform for self-advertisement... And then there are the news agencies - I don't even want to begin to discuss the way I've seen them place stock in what John and Jane Doe tweet or post to Facebook and how utterly disappointing that is.

Well, it's been at least five minutes since I've been on Facebook and it appears I have five new notifications, so I better wrap this up.

Necessary Illness

I have been ill for the past five days. Nothing really definitive - just a general feeling of congestion, inability to focus, weakness and a sore throat. The thing is, being sick has become exhausting. I was exhausted while sick, and now I am exhausted because I was sick (if that makes any sense).

I have quickly learned that what I do is the most time-intensive thing I have ever engaged in. For a while, it took a long time to make videos because I was learning how to make the software work (not to mention the lingo, techniques, processes). Now, it takes a long time because I am a perfectionist and the stunning, astonishingly creative images and sequences I see in my head and my dreams never seem to make it into my work (try as they might).

I would love to have the plight of the Amish - who intentionally include slight errors in their furniture-making to remind themselves that only God is perfect... Currently, I have all the errors with none of the intentionality. I suppose that is because God knows me better than I know myself. And then there is the issue of trying too hard. I am a proficient guitar player - but I've been playing the guitar since I was eight years old. I too often compare my editing, motion design, and compositing abilities to my musicianship - and it leads to nothing but frustration. Not the "I'm never going to be good enough" frustration; rather the fleeting "I should know how to do this without having to try ten different methods" type... Playing the guitar is comfortable now - almost second-nature, but I recall a moment in time (three or four days after learning to strum my first chord) when I decided that I was never going to pick up a guitar again.

Now, I began this post with the idea that I got sick because I was working too hard and too many hours - and intended to tout the positive aspects of rest and recovery; which I still believe is the case. However, it seems the point of all this has become an encouragement of sorts - that although I've been staring at After Effects for the past hour with no ideas coming to mind, I'll eventually get it.

So, if you are reading this and have been working and working and working at something for hours, days, weeks, or even years without seeing any results - be encouraged and embrace the process.

And if I Never Know You, Let Me Feel the Lack

This weekend, Katie and I traveled to VA Beach to be a part of the wedding of two close friends. We've known this couple for around 8 years now, and their wedding was awesome. We were truly humbled and honored to be asked to be involved. The story of their relationship is worth a lengthy blog, itself, but that's not my story to tell. Trust me, though - it's amazing.

On the drive home - or at least to the hotel in Roanoke Rapids, it started to hit me - that slight knot in my gut. I couldn't put my finger on it right away, but after driving another hour, and singing along to a few more songs on the 80's XM station (specifically Cyndi Lauper and Belinda Carlisle) contributing to my nostalgia, I realized I miss my friends (It didn't help that we drove through a tornado, either). Now, you may wonder why I say it that way - and I will explain. I love all my friends, but I realized on the way to North Myrtle Beach that subconsciously, I assume everyone else freezes in time after I stop interacting with them on a daily or weekly basis, and nothing changes - with the exception of the exciting things I happen to do afterwards. This is obviously foolish and short-sighted of me, but I imagine it is a protective mechanism I've developed some time ago after moving a few times as a kid.

Anyway, this weekend was wrapped up in so many emotions I cannot begin to summarize everything it brought on for me. As with most events like this, the time was too short, and there was much left unsaid by me to those I wanted to reconnect with - I wanted it to feel "like old times," but we've gotten older - most of us have gotten married, moved, changed careers, had kids, and are living in different states.

I think I've spent too much of my life trying not to feel anything that I am fighting regret and guilt for omissions - times when I could have done more, said more, or just been there for my friends... I spoke with an older gentlemen after the reception who told me how much he enjoyed knowing me and Katie, and that most of his friends were either dead or suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's... He said, "At my age, this might be the last time I see you." It was then that I was reminded yet again that though God leads us in different directions, we are all capable of loving regardless of geography and all that stuff that we allow to distract us - and time waits for no one.

As I move into new phases of my life and continue to make new, close friends, I am adding a priority - to hold onto my relationships as tightly as I can no matter what.

I wrote a song a loooong time ago that had this line in it: "And if I never know you, let me feel the lack." I had no idea what I meant by that when I wrote it - it just sounded cool, but I think it is appropriate to this situation.

With that said, I love all of my friends and I always will, no matter what distance or time finds itself between us. Also, don't hate on Cyndi or Belinda.

Time is Money?

I keep thinking this is going to be over soon. In the midst of every complaint that comes to my mind, God makes me acutely aware that things could always be worse.

When I was in heretoday, we played a few shows with a band called Slingshot 57. These guys were genuine, excellent musicians and strong Christ followers. In fact, Paul, their bass player, is now in Run Kid Run. At one show, they had a table with about 20 little info cards with pictures of kids who needed help. I asked Paul what they were for, and he explained they had partnered with Mission of Mercy to sponsor children. I took a look at the cards and decided to sponsor a little girl in a different country (details omitted because this is the interwebs). I wasn't making much money at the time (sadly, I was making more then than I am right now), but I decided it was worth it to help someone out and maybe develop a relationship with someone so far away and in so much need. I'll explain why this is important to my situation in a bit.

During the past eight months, I have had to cling to God more tightly than ever before in my life for everything. When I was offered a job, I foolishly thought that would be the end of my troubles and that Katie and I would soon be returning to our comfortable lives with plenty to save, give and spend. The reality is that I am now working at home for 100% commission, and I have not earned a penny. I was working in the office for the first couple of months, but the environment was such that on Sunday afternoons I would begin to experience chest pains that intensified on Monday mornings, and did not subside until I was home in the afternoons. I spoke with the owner, who said I could work from home for commission, which to me is better than the alternative of not working at all or potentially having an MI while at the office.

It is a strange dynamic to be thankful to God for everything while fighting the temptation to be frightened out of my wits about how the next month's bills are going to be paid. I have tried to explain this to Katie... how I can be calm in the midst of all this. It is not easy, and it is certainly not easy for her. Right now, we believe Katie is being called to serve as much as she can with the church as opposed to working for a paycheck. This really does not make sense to a lot of people - especially given the circumstances. When I am faced with odd looks after this is discussed I am reminded of the rich young ruler. Jesus never told anyone who asked him what they should do to save their money, keep their belongings, accrue wealth, or buy a nice house. He said to sell it all, give the money to the poor and follow him. I am convicted of that almost daily when I wake up in my king size bed, walk into the living room to play games on my XBox which is hooked up to my 50" TV and 5.1 surround sound system; or work on videos, music, etc. on this iMac and am then tempted to pity myself. That girl in that other country lives in a house made of concrete blocks. I am ashamed to tell her what I do with my time. I am embarrassed at the relative wealth I have compared to the wage her father makes and struggles to support his family with. I never had the need to be sponsored as a child, and for that I am grateful.

On the other side of this, Katie and I have been involved with Barefoot Church here in North Myrtle Beach. I cannot explain how it is that we are in nearly identical positions with this church as we were at Stafford Crossing after being here for less than two months. When I am at Barefoot, I know I am doing what God has given me to do for now. It is the boat, and everything else is the storm. My job situation, finances, car, future, dreams... all of it feels like the wind that distracted Peter and caused him to doubt. I cannot take my focus from Jesus and place it on the wind. I can never do that because Jesus is the only one keeping me above water.

He is my only hope. I know I am alive right now and I am exactly where I am locationally, physically, spiritually and emotionally because God wants me here. Today, I was going through mail we've received and haven't been able to look at since the move. I found a letter from that little girl in that other country.

I was having a mini-freak out session internally at the time, and I started to read the letter. Next to what she had written in her vernacular were three translated words in the middle of the page: "I love you." I have never seen this girl in person, I have never been to where she is and I may never see her face to face. All I know is that God loves her the same as He loves me, and He is providing for both of us every day.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

On Videos and Everything Else

Recently I began to venture into the world of video creation using iMovie. It has been a great new creative outlet, as I often see pictures in my head of what I write about in songs, chords, and notes using my voice and the guitar or piano.

It has also been challenging as I have faced some limitations of the program against what my mind thinks should happen on the screen. This, of course, could actually be remedied by purchasing a much more powerful and more expensive program – but my lack of gainful employment at this time makes that kind of thing difficult to accomplish.

As with all things lately, this has been something inspired by my pursuit of what God wants me to do and His will for my life. I believe that may be the case (and should be for all of us) regarding everything I do for the remainder of my days on this earth. Every aspect of my activities, behavior, thought, speech and interactions with others should be an act of worship. It is amazing to realize God knew me before I was formed and He knows the number of hairs on my head. It is astounding to realize He allows us to worship Him in so many ways.

With all of this awe and amazement at God's wonder filling my head, it is difficult to condense information and ideas into a video that does not last more than three days... Learning to make videos is absolutely a blast and I fortunately have some friends who have vast experience I can turn to for advice and assistance. I am looking forward to seeing where this new aspect might lead and what God does through me and with me in this process.

God is active, and I have been blessed enough to notice and recall how active He is in my life during the recent weeks and months. I met with the associate pastor at my church the other day, and suddenly realized everything I mentioned was something I know God was orchestrating to further His will in my life, to further the advancement of His kingdom, and to teach me. I just have to be willing to keep walking forward when God says "Go."

I still do not know what I am supposed to “be when I grow up,” but I know who I am right now and who I will always be; a child of God, ransomed from the wages of sin and an eternity without Him. It is amazing that I have been given such amazing gifts and the desire to use them for the right reasons.

Hope

There is so much more I want to do. I am usually a one thing at a time, easy-going kind of guy, but lately I've had more ideas than I can keep track of crashing into each other in my brain. Sometimes I don't even know where to begin to try to collect and process them.

Since September 18, 2009, I have been unemployed. My former employer sold the part of the company I worked for and the office was closed. When that happened, I lost my job, as did 25 others – many of whom I had developed close working friendships with and many whom I still call close friends. It is a story for another blog, but at the same time my wife and I believed God was calling her to stop teaching and work in whatever ministry capacity possible with the church. The ending to that story as far as we are concerned right now is that we went from two incomes to a weekly unemployment benefit payment. God provided a place for us to live and store our property, and He has remained faithful since we moved out of downtown Fredericksburg. Our faith has grown immensely, as has our trust in God and resting in what He has done for us and will do. We have never wanted for our daily bread, not to mention so many more blessings we did not deserve.

Back to what I started this all about... I have been sensing a strong call to do more with the musical talents God has given me. As a result, I have begun to re-learn to read music, I am re-learning to play the piano, and I am beginning to experiment with composing soundtracks and work with film and music. I even started playing drums at church due to a sudden vacancy. I am also teaching guitar lessons, which has proved to be an amazing process. God is showing me that just because a career in a rock band didn't happen, I don't have to live a life without music in a very real way.

I have begun to receive inspiration to write more songs – not just about my personal experiences in a radio friendly, rock and roll kind of way, but to write about my experiences as a worshiper of the Almighty God. I am learning a new language of praise in songwriting (albeit slowly), and I am working towards a better understanding of God's word by studying it more and more.

With all of these new endeavors has come a fresh breath of air in regards to how I am living my life. I believe God created me to worship Him with all that is within me – all my heart, soul, and strength – and I am just now beginning to exercise what had been in danger of atrophy for years now.

I don't know where this new leg of the journey is leading, but I am excited because of Who I am following. Hope truly does spring eternal.

The Welcome Wagon

Sometimes simplicity is all that is required for a song to strike a powerful chord.